How to Nail that Dream Job: Some Tips from an Expert

Hello. My name is Mandrake U Cheesyfeet

My job is to apply spray tan on Hollywood starlets who happen to be cruising the Caribbean. I am paid $600 per minute (tax free on account of the fact that I work in international waters) and I work for approximately half an hour a week. As a perk of my job I have access to as much spray tan and cosmetic surgery as I need – and a PlayStation 3.

I have been asked by the directors of WorksWonders to write an article on how to go about obtaining your dream job. Jane and Angela who run WW said they couldn't afford to pay me but that if I didn't do it they would reveal exactly why I can only work outside the jurisdiction of most right thinking countries. 

APPLYING FOR THE JOB

1.      Where to look

Do not make the mistake of assuming that your dream job will be advertised in the local free paper. NASA may not have the financial resources to take out a classified in the Pukerua Bay Herald Tribune. Additionally some vacancies are more obvious that others. Politicos might like keep an eye on the news for the overthrow of dictators in nice sunny countries like The Seychelles. Those of a sporting inclination might like to check the latest injury list for cricket teams touring the West Indies. Those with significant experience in the area of administration should…erm… check  the local free paper.

2.     Your  letter of application

This is an area that is full of potential pitfalls. Let me advise you from personal experience a few things to avoid

·       Do not claim to have superpowers such as the ability to fly, become invisible or play the national anthem in bottom burps (they may ask you to demonstrate them at interview)

·       Do not put people down as referees that you do not personally know. The Dalai Lama Nelson Mandela and Emperor Napoleon cannot be relied upon to back you up.

·       Do not claim that when Winston Churchill said “Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few” that he was referring to you personally. Some employers have a basic knowledge of history and you might be caught out.

·       Do not claim to be responsible for things that can be easily checked on the internet. Remember you were not the one who  successfully landed that jet airliner on the Hudson River nor were you the third man on the moon nor did you advise President Reagan on his choice of pubic wig (actually that one is quite difficult to verify)

·       Do by all means make claims that are a matter of opinion. You can claim to be better looking than Brad or Angelina as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You can also claim that if you were playing you would have holed that putt on the 3 extra hole that would have won the US masters unlike the useless choker who didn’t.

3.     Finishing your letter

A polite "thank you, I look forward to hearing from you soon” is standard and serves many people well. But have you considered the following; “ Failure to employ me would be a catastrophe not just for you and your  company but for the world as a whole. We are heading for global oblivion and only you and I - working together - are the people who have the power save the planet and make Earth the paradise it should always remain” (No? – me neither)

4.     Signing off.

You have 5 options

“Your faithfully” is standard

“Yours sincerely” if you have been intimate with the bosses’ son/daughter

“Yours respectfully” if you have been intimate with the bosses wife/ husband

“Yo dude, catch ya later” if the job is anything to do with running a brothel

“Stick your job where the sun don’t shine” if the boss also happens to be a leading politician

Alan Ball, the creator of Mandrake U Cheesyfeet is master of the job hunt (and a part-time comedian). To follow more of Mandrake's unique advice  - in particular 'attending the job Interview and how to pick out lucky underpants' - check out Alan's  blog.